That question occupies a corner of my mind more than I'm willing to admit. Most of the time, I'm a positive person, or at least, I try to be. While I do have an abundance of things to be positive about, it seems unrealistic to only write about the "happy" days of teaching. No one can be happy all the time, so I'm gonna be honest. Today was not a good day. My brain stopped functioning properly and then began attacking my confidence. Plus, I'm pretty sure my kids swallowed fire crackers before they came into my room, which of course sparked my struggle (pun intended). Seriously, everyone was bouncing off the walls. Through this, I am reminded of an all too familiar feeling.
One thing I've learned about life is that there is always someone better. There are (plenty of) better writers than me, better athletes, better coaches, better teachers, better disciplinarians, better Christians, better thinkers, better joke tellers, and a plethora of other "betters." When I was in high school, there was a better setter who played over me. In college, there were better setters and defenders who played over me. Therefore, during my junior years of high school and college, I spent most of those volleyball seasons on the bench. Of course, it was difficult not being on the court, watching more talented athletes take my coveted position, but I loved the game too much to quit. I wanted to keep working to see if hard work could be talent. Eventually, both senior years, I clawed my way to a consistent spot on the court. During that time, I remained positive on the outside, cheering for my team on the sidelines and celebrating when they did well, but I will never forget how defeated I felt sitting on the sidelines, wishing I were good enough, wishing I could help my team.
Today is one of those days when I feel that familiar defeat. I'm not making the cut. I'm still stuck on the side line. Nothing in particular happened, but I was once again reminded that there's always someone better, which makes me wonder, am I the best teacher for these kids? So much of my time is spent searching for ways to be effective and reevaluating myself. Although most days I love my job, teaching can be a little daunting. Sometimes you don't know if they "get it" or what sticks with them, if anything. There are so many variables that affect each lesson that you can't always account for. Yes, you need these days to appreciate the good and to recover stronger, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line: I want my kids to have a great teacher. They deserve it, but what do you do when you don't know if you can be that for them? How do I get back in the game?
I guess I'll keep searching, reading, writing, reflecting, teaching. I'll keep loving my students, and I'll celebrate the small victories. I'll keep working because I love the game. Eventually, I'll catch back up to the pack.
(Btw - I'm not looking for pity, nor am I complaining or fishing for compliments. Just true confessions of a teacher. Also, "today" means a couple of days ago when I wrote it.)
