Motherhood is...

I'm tired. My kitchen is ALWAYS a mess.  I have laundry to do.  I need to go grocery shopping. I haven't been for a run in months.  This post-partum bod still looks pregnant.  I have written two blog drafts, one of which was poorly written but published anyway. I haven't read any books at all this year.  Since becoming a mom free time is elusive.  There's just so much that needs to get done.  I often wonder what I did with all my time before Knox.  At the same time, I often wonder how I lived so long without him.  Before motherhood, I always wondered what it would be like to be a mom, so even though I can never fully convey the weight of it, these are the things I've learned about motherhood.

Motherhood is...

... a vacuum that sucks up all of your time and energy, but taking care of him is the best way to spend my time.

... staring at your kid because he is the most beautiful, precious thing on this earth.

... waking up a 3am staring at the baby monitor because you know any second you'll hear the cries, and then just when it seems he isn't waking up, you drift off to sleep again only to be woken abruptly to his cries ten minutes later.

... wanting to make all the baby food, but realizing ain't nobody got time for dat.

... wanting to wake him up from a nap because I miss him.

... wishing he would get tired enough for nap time because momma needs a break.

... looking at his adorable smile with his adorable two bottom teeth and wondering how you ever lived without him.

...worrying if he will ever sleep through the night.

... worrying that I'm doing everything wrong.

... clapping and cheering when he finally makes a piece of food into his mouth.

... going 50 shades of ridiculous trying to get him to smile for a picture.

... not showering because you'd rather sleep for those extra, sacred 20 minutes.

... wanting to do all the things: clean, cook, write, read, play with the baby, go on adventures, learn a new skill, but laughing because you know you don't have time for any of it.

... worrying when to introduce certain solids and how often and how much he should be eating and is that diaper rash because of the blueberries or the carrots?

... wondering how on earth he could possibly be awake right now.

... beaming with pride when he learns to roll over and crawl and pull himself up and talk.

... saying sentences you never thought you'd have to (i.e. "Son, do not put the dog's tail in your mouth. No, you cannot get in the freezer.").

... reading things online and convincing yourself you're screwing it all up.

... knowing everything about your little human but actually knowing nothing at the same time.

... melting every time you see his smile and hear his sweet laugh.

... knowing that your kid really is the cutest kid ever.

... crying a little every day I have to leave him to go to work.

... exciting and hard and wonderful and heart-warming and confusing and frustrating and warm all at once.

... praying that God will save him and he will grow up knowing and serving the Lord.

... thanking God every second for this little gift because even when it's 2am and I'm deliriously tired, there's no other face I'd rather be looking at.

Motherhood is an unbelievably sweet privilege and gift from the Lord.

Even if everything else in life is going wrong, when he squeezes my neck and sucks on my chin to kiss me, I know I'm doing something right. My sweet Knox, I love being your mama.

Happy Mother's Day, ladies!

13 Reasons Why and why you should avoid it

It's all over the internet.  It's all kids talk about in the classroom.  The new netflix craze, 13 Reasons Why is everywhere! Which is why I'm inspired to add my two cents, as I'm sure you've read everyone else's.  I'm sure you've heard the premise, right?  Hannah Baker, a junior in high school, kills herself but before she does, she makes 13 tapes, each of which contains the story of a person who plays a role in her suicide.  The theory behind the show is great; watch how you treat others because you never know what they are going through.  But it plays out the themes of suicide and depression and bullying and sex and all the heavy things teenagers navigate on a daily basis in a less than hopeful way.  I can't tell you how many times I hear my junior high kids talking about this.  And each time I'm astounded that their parents have no idea what it is.

If you are the parent of a teenager, WATCH. THIS. SHOW.  I can almost guarantee your kid has already seen it or at the very least heard about it and you need to have the hard conversations with them.  They should not be watching it. Or at least shouldn't be watching it alone. 

And this is why: 

1. It encourages kids to be the victim.  It ignores Hannah's responsibility in her own suicide.  If you've seem the show, you know that Hannah endures a lot of pain and suffering; however, the show washes over the fact that Hannah was responsible for taking her own life. 

2. There was one message I got loud and clear: Adults are clueless.  I can't say Hannah's parents don't care because it's obvious they do, but they assumed everything was fine. It seems they didn't know how to care about their daughter.  And don't get me started on the counselor.  I'm sorry but that guy is an idiot. He is just a puppet, dancing under the strings of the students in control. The show wants you to believe that adults don't understand the emotional fragility of teenagers and therefore doesn't know how to treat them, which sends the message that adults don't get it. You're on your own, kids. 

3. Suicide is the only way to leave a legacy.  While Hannah was alive she was targeted, overlooked, rejected, ignored, even.  Only after her death, did people listen.  What message does this send?  The only way to get people's attention, the only way to be seen, heard, or cared about, is to end your life. Is that really the message we want our kids to hear? 

4. What is truth? Throughout the series, you see teens who have listened to Hannah's tape, but refuse to believe "Hannah's truth" about themselves. Several times you see them arguing that "Hannah's truth is not my truth." Out of self preservation, they refuse to admit what actually happened.  This sends yet another message that truth is anything you want it to be.  That we're all just searching for our own truth to latch on to, as though it is a matter of choosing the right outfit.  In this way of thinking, truth is fleeting; anyone can make their own. As a Christian this breaks my heart because everyone should know and believe the only truth: that Jesus is our rescuer!  The only truth that all these kids in the show need to know is that Jesus gave himself so that we could have life! A helper and healer in times of pain.

5.  There is no hope.Besides the negative themes, the show is just heavy.  It's just hard to watch sometimes.  Bullying, foul language, sex, alcohol, rape, pain, suicide.  Young teens should not be exposed to such emotionally heavy topics that physiologically they cannot yet process, especially when there is no message of hope. Essentially, high school, and everyone in it, will kill you.  Pain is everywhere, and the only thing you can do is suffer through it or end your own life.   While I do think, high school comes with its fair share of hard ships and pain, it is not always this terrible! 

I've read the book a few years ago, so naturally, when the series came out, I wanted to watch it to compare.  The Netflix Hannah is much easier to empathize with.  Hearing her voice and seeing her life on screen, albeit fiction, seemed real.  Kids can see their own struggles in these characters.  They see similar interactions in their everyday life, which is scary. If I can be drawn in so easily and relate to Hannah so well (even though that stage of life is not my reality), it's no surprise that kids love her.  That's whole point, right? Hannah Baker is everywhere and everyone.  However, this theme of watch how you treat others gets lost in the darkness of deep sin portrayed on the screen. Even kids with "perfect" families and "Christian"values think about suicide. I so wish Hannah would have talked to her parents.  Or that her parents would have been persistent enough to engage their daughter about what's going on in her heart. I wish there were some form of light in this dark story.  Parents, while your children are under your roof, you have the opportunity or responsibility, rather, to cultivate the culture of your kids' hearts. Don't let them get lost in the darkness of sin.