I'm tired. My kitchen is ALWAYS a mess. I have laundry to do. I need to go grocery shopping. I haven't been for a run in months. This post-partum bod still looks pregnant. I have written two blog drafts, one of which was poorly written but published anyway. I haven't read any books at all this year. Since becoming a mom free time is elusive. There's just so much that needs to get done. I often wonder what I did with all my time before Knox. At the same time, I often wonder how I lived so long without him. Before motherhood, I always wondered what it would be like to be a mom, so even though I can never fully convey the weight of it, these are the things I've learned about motherhood.
Motherhood is...
... a vacuum that sucks up all of your time and energy, but taking care of him is the best way to spend my time.
... staring at your kid because he is the most beautiful, precious thing on this earth.
... waking up a 3am staring at the baby monitor because you know any second you'll hear the cries, and then just when it seems he isn't waking up, you drift off to sleep again only to be woken abruptly to his cries ten minutes later.
... wanting to make all the baby food, but realizing ain't nobody got time for dat.
... wanting to wake him up from a nap because I miss him.
... wishing he would get tired enough for nap time because momma needs a break.
... looking at his adorable smile with his adorable two bottom teeth and wondering how you ever lived without him.
...worrying if he will ever sleep through the night.
... worrying that I'm doing everything wrong.
... clapping and cheering when he finally makes a piece of food into his mouth.
... going 50 shades of ridiculous trying to get him to smile for a picture.
... not showering because you'd rather sleep for those extra, sacred 20 minutes.
... wanting to do all the things: clean, cook, write, read, play with the baby, go on adventures, learn a new skill, but laughing because you know you don't have time for any of it.
... worrying when to introduce certain solids and how often and how much he should be eating and is that diaper rash because of the blueberries or the carrots?
... wondering how on earth he could possibly be awake right now.
... beaming with pride when he learns to roll over and crawl and pull himself up and talk.
... saying sentences you never thought you'd have to (i.e. "Son, do not put the dog's tail in your mouth. No, you cannot get in the freezer.").
... reading things online and convincing yourself you're screwing it all up.
... knowing everything about your little human but actually knowing nothing at the same time.
... melting every time you see his smile and hear his sweet laugh.
... knowing that your kid really is the cutest kid ever.
... crying a little every day I have to leave him to go to work.
... exciting and hard and wonderful and heart-warming and confusing and frustrating and warm all at once.
... praying that God will save him and he will grow up knowing and serving the Lord.
... thanking God every second for this little gift because even when it's 2am and I'm deliriously tired, there's no other face I'd rather be looking at.
Motherhood is an unbelievably sweet privilege and gift from the Lord.
Even if everything else in life is going wrong, when he squeezes my neck and sucks on my chin to kiss me, I know I'm doing something right. My sweet Knox, I love being your mama.
Happy Mother's Day, ladies!
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