Most of my life, I've struggled with my over-analytical, excessively critical brain. I am constantly second-guessing and comparing myself to others - no matter what it is. Passing a girl in a shopping mall whose hair, the same length as mine, is curled, makes me realize that I can't fix my hair that way. I must be inferior. A fellow teacher read 5 books in a month. I only read 3. I must not be good enough. In school when someone would blurt out an answer, I'd cower in my seat realizing I must be way off. In coaching when my team would lose to a team I knew we were better than, it must have been because that coach was better than me. If someone doesn't call me back, I must not be good enough to be their friend. You get the idea. If I let them, all these things can chisel away at my confidence just as the weathering wind tears at the face of a seaward mountain, scraping away the beauty.
Ultimately, It doesn't really matter what it is, somehow my pessimistic, self-critical brain always sees what I don't have. Not one of my most favorite characteristics about myself, but I'm sure many of you have experienced this in some way. In our world, it is so easy to do - compare or wish we had a different/better skill. I tell you all of this not to throw a pity party (I know who I am in Christ and my identity is found in Him), but to prove that we all need an escape, a haven, a channel to release that tension. You may not deal with the same emotional or mental struggles as I do, but I'm sure there are things that burden you. We're human. Life is not easy. However, we can often invent ways to cope with these insecurities. Such as running (or reading - another favorite pastime).
Ultimately, It doesn't really matter what it is, somehow my pessimistic, self-critical brain always sees what I don't have. Not one of my most favorite characteristics about myself, but I'm sure many of you have experienced this in some way. In our world, it is so easy to do - compare or wish we had a different/better skill. I tell you all of this not to throw a pity party (I know who I am in Christ and my identity is found in Him), but to prove that we all need an escape, a haven, a channel to release that tension. You may not deal with the same emotional or mental struggles as I do, but I'm sure there are things that burden you. We're human. Life is not easy. However, we can often invent ways to cope with these insecurities. Such as running (or reading - another favorite pastime).
When I run, there is no one else. There is no one to compare myself too. I can't disappoint anyone. I am only competing against myself. Even when I have a poor running day, I don't have to report to anyone because I run for me. It keeps me sane. It is my escape from the pressure of letting someone else down, of not measuring up. When I'm only measured against myself, I can't fail according to the standards of others. It also adds a healthy cardio bonus.
Now, please don't think I hate my life or myself. I have a great job, which I love, a wonderful husband, 2 hilarious dogs, great friends, great parents, and I'm very thankful for all of the experiences in my life - good and bad. They make me who I am.
As we've experienced though, our feeble minds don't always keep us thinking about the positives of life. When the negatives become like a fog clouding our sanity, we need something positive to clear the weather. Insert escape. Mine is running (and reading - it's also therapeutic to jump into someone else's life for a while). Yours may be decorating or basket weaving or bike riding or dog whispering or paddle boarding. Who knows? But it's important to find something to throw yourself into to give your mind a break from the fog. If you're like my husband, it may change from week to week. :) And that's OK. Of course, it would be nice if I lived in Bora Bora or some other aesthetically pleasant place. Then I wouldn't have to work so hard for my "escape." But I'll keep dreaming. :)
As we've experienced though, our feeble minds don't always keep us thinking about the positives of life. When the negatives become like a fog clouding our sanity, we need something positive to clear the weather. Insert escape. Mine is running (and reading - it's also therapeutic to jump into someone else's life for a while). Yours may be decorating or basket weaving or bike riding or dog whispering or paddle boarding. Who knows? But it's important to find something to throw yourself into to give your mind a break from the fog. If you're like my husband, it may change from week to week. :) And that's OK. Of course, it would be nice if I lived in Bora Bora or some other aesthetically pleasant place. Then I wouldn't have to work so hard for my "escape." But I'll keep dreaming. :)
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